So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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