He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
