God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
