sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
