apparently the secret to your success is patron
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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