Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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