my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
