margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
