the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have tasted many bathrooms
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
