Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
