Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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