sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You can't special order awesome
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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