my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
