I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
