I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
