I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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