I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
