I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
