i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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