He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
