She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
