sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
