Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
