what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
