you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
