you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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