On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
