Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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