we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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