I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
