there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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