Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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