My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your penis caused this!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
