you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
