I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
