Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
