i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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