"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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