dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
