yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
