i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This baby is an asshole
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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