checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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