I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
