I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
