Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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