I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
