I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
