Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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