and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
