My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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