im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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