I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
