If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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