mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
